Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
