Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
