i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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