the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
