explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
