I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think I sprained my soul last night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
