Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
