the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
