and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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