I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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