Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
