If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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