dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
so let's talk penis.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
