This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
