Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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