i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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