is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
