So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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