yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
