you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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