i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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