peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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