So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize