We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
