I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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