Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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