So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
