She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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