It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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