Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
