my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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