I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
