So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
