I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize