Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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