my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize