Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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