We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He has the fingertips of a God
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
