I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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