a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
