Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
