she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She's the barista slut.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
