in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
