is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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