I didn't shave. On purpose
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
