shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
