I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
