im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
