allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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