At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
