how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
