i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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