i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
