Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
