I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
