Already got asked if we're dating
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
