I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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