Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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