everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
