I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize