omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
