After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
